Puerto Rico's treachery was uncovered late last week by newly-elected members of Congress who noted Puerto Rico's constant absence from debate over matters of national importance. Searching federal records, they discovered startling evidence of a duplicity unprecedented in American history--Puerto Rico, the 53rd state of the Union, had seceded membership in the United States of America as early as 1973. What's more, their citizens, though members of a foreign and rebellious land, have continued to accept federal funds and vote in national elections.
According to freshman Senator Hank Speer of South Dakota, evidence of Puerto Rico's treachery continues to mount. Since quietly withdrawing their Senators and Representatives from Congress in 1967, Puerto Rico has abandoned capitalism, violated provisions of the Constitution and even adopted a secret national tongue they call "Spanish." Furthermore, Speer presented evidence that the Puerto Rico is physically distancing itself from the continental United States at a rate of two inches per year. "Scientists have some fancy liberal name for it like continental drift," Speer thundered in a speech before Congress. "But I call it sedition, plain and simple."
White House officials, initially taken by surprise by the sudden revelation, have moved with alacrity, alerting the military and rounding up individuals of Caribbean descent for internment in centrally-located prison camps. "I have studied this situation carefully, and agree with my Republican brothers that we can't rest until Puerto Rico is once again crushed under the heel of American democracy and independence," Clinton remarked in a nationally- televised press conference.
For its part, Puerto Rico has remained surprisingly silent on the matter, apparently waiting to see the Union's next move. Administration officials have received no response from anyone identifying themselves as officials of the Puerto Rican government, and attempts to contact a Puerto Rican consulate have failed. And while White House officials have received numerous inquiries from Puerto Rican citizens and interest groups, they remain adamant about speaking only to the individuals in charge. "These silly pleas of innocence that seem to be coming from everywhere are a stalling tactic, plain and simple," Defense Secretary William Perry commented. "Unless we hear from the real leaders by Tuesday, American boys are going in, and they aren't going to rest until San Juan is burned to the ground."
Although officials are loathe to use force on former U.S. citizens, they remain convinced that it is fast becoming the only way to resolve the conflict. "Stopping Puerto Rico in its tracks is essential to a strong national unity," Representative Speer declared. "For if we let them secede, how will we stop states like Canada, Mexico and Great Britain from doing the same?"