takeover in '91 and sources tell us Cedras was the mastermind behind that deal. He's definitely our man."
Bloker also indicated that Cedras' experience living in a sweaty, tropical environment was a prime factor in his employment, as it indicates a certain innate appreciation of the cool, soothing qualities of ice cream--especially Ben & Jerry's. Cedras, during his term as Prime Ruler of Haiti, was a well-known Ben & Jerry's ice cream afficionado, devouring gallons of Cherry Garcia ice cream between executions and generously handing out Peace Bars to the crippled children crowded into his prisons. When asked whether Cedras' ice cream preferences played a part in the company's decision to hire him, Bloker commented, "My superiors told me to say no to that question. They told me to tell you Cedras was hired only for his job-specific qualifications, not just because he loves the irresistable taste of smooth, all-natural Ben & Jerry's ice cream, available in over thirty-two flavors."
The Ben & Jerry's line of ice cream has long been heralded for its goodwill to the homeless, mentally ill and minorities of America, as well as for the singlehanded preservation of over two million acres of sacred rainforest, the return of three million lost children and MIA soldiers, and the prevention of various natural disasters through sheer force of positive energy. Cedras assured rival competitors, at an industry conference, that this sales-boosting policy would continue. "We will not only continue our socially conscious business plan," he said, displaying his usual charm by winking coyly. "We will push not only to save the oppressed whales in le mer near where I grew up, we will make sure each and every one has the opportunity of a college education. And any cochon who tries to meddle, I will cut off his balls with goatshears and make him eat them for supper." When President Clinton received the news of Cedras' new position, he expressed extreme disappointment. "I was shocked and appalled at this development in our nation's industry," the president said. "I'm sorry to say that Ben & Jerry's has gravy dissappointed me. Oops, did I say gravy? I meant gravely. Ben & Jerry's has gravely disappointed me... But I won't let that stop me from having my daily pint of delicious Ben & Jerry's Mint Chocolate Cookie ice cream." Cedras is planning a corporate tour as soon as Jerry, who is in the hospital because of a minor dispute in marketing strategy between he and Cedras, recovers from minor abrasions.
